Gracie Gold

Gracie Gold is an Olympic figure skater who has overcome numerous obstacles yet continues to work on improving herself, despite overwhelming attention and pressure. In addition to winning a bronze medal in the Olympic team event, she is a two-time U.S. national figure skating champion, and the only American woman to win a gold medal at NHK Trophy. She has been admirably open about her struggles with depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder. Despite her taxing schedule, she was happy and eager to speak with us and we are proud to have her as our adult hero for this issue.

Spilt: You might be surprised to know that a lot of the kids we work with are big fans of figure skating and you, especially with how you’ve been able to share your story and be vulnerable to the public. I think they value every kind of self-expression.

Gracie: That’s amazing. Being on the ice is the opportunity to be yourself and feel this sense of freedom. It’s a moment in time entirely for you and performing and self- expression resonates with a lot of people from different backgrounds.

Spilt: A lot of our kids also suffer from various mental health issues. Depression and anxiety reveal themselves in so many different ways. What has it been like for you? 

Gracie: Like physical illnesses, it doesn’t discriminate based on tax bracket, skin color, gender, or religion. Mental illness, in my case, never seemed bad enough to qualify as depression and anxiety. There’s a concept that someone has it worse but the stigma of mental illness makes people have an image of depression that isn’t always accurate.

When I confided in someone high up in the skating world, I was told “if you want to be happy, be happy.” I thought, “wow this person really doesn’t get it.” When I was severely depressed, I didn’t realize it because in health class, they teach you that there’s a lot of crying, a lot of blue, and I was shockingly apathetic and it was very grey.

I felt like I was inside of a snow globe. I could see the world around me but I couldn’t interact with it at all. I couldn’t connect with anything or anyone. It got harder and harder and I felt like I was banging on the glass but no one was noticing or able to help. It was like a silent snow globe.

If I went out to dinner with friends, I could still laugh and enjoy it but felt like a shell of my former self. I could emerge on weekends for a skating show or autograph signings and could smile but had to play the part and didn’t feel connected. I’d rather go back to the couch or bed.

Spilt: It’s so interesting that depression and anxiety are so prevalent in society yet we’re
led to believe it manifests in just one way.

Gracie: Yeah, a huge part of the stigma is people understand it as crying, sadness, and mental illness occurs after a really big life event or trauma. And the trauma has to be what the general public believes is traumatic. If it doesn’t manifest the way people believe it, then it’s somehow not legitimate. But my symptoms were having a short temper, feeling aggravated, uninterested, and apathetic.

Like OCD could be obsessively cleaning to 99% of the world but there are many different dark ways that may manifest. If you only think a disease looks one way, that could be small-minded.

Spilt: When did you realize you needed help?

Gracie: It took a while to put together the pieces to get help. I was in some ways part of the stigma. I would think there’s something wrong with me but my parents didn’t lose their jobs or what did I have to be depressed about or other people have it worse. I thought maybe I’m just weaker. I went through inpatient and outpatient treatment. Everyone views it as it has to be bad enough to get treatment but there are preventative measures to seek treatment.

You don’t have to wait until a bone is broken to go to the doctor. It applies to our brains as well. I looked in the mirror and thought I couldn’t keep going this way and I wasn’t enjoying living this way. I owed it to myself to try treatment before giving up. I worried what if they say I’m not bad enough? Which they would never do but I was afraid.

Spilt: I read you said curiosity helped you during your dark moments. Is there anything
else that gave you hope during your difficult times?

Gracie: Curiosity was a double-edged sword. I’m butchering a quote I heard but that there’s some sort of dark satisfaction to see how bad it can get. I now always equate physical injuries to mental injuries because physical injuries there are so many things that are available. I was curious enough which helped me get treatment and it couldn’t be any worse than what I felt at the time.

I’d talked to sports psychologists but never a psychiatrist or psychologist. Inpatient treatment, I thought no at first but what’s the harm in trying it because I could always go back to the way I’m living but maybe if there’s a chance that I can feel better…I lost a really dear friend to suicide and that’s a more permanent solution which will always be on the table. But once you take that option, it’s really the last option.

Spilt: Do you have any advice for young skaters or people in general on how to prioritize their mental health?

Gracie: This generation, especially a lot of millennials and older people say this generation doesn’t want to work. But this generation prioritizes mental health. If you had a broken leg, no one would judge you for taking a break and resting it. If you need a mental health day, then take it. I could continue the way I am but why would I do that if it’s better to take one day to tackle the rest of the week?

There are older people with wisdom but you know yourself best and if you have a gut feeling that something could be better, you deserve to do what you need to do to make your self feel better. If you’re having trouble getting out of bed or not enjoying what you’re doing, check in. Are you just not wanting to do something or is there something else that’s deeper?

If someone close to you invalidates you and that’s a high chance that’s going to happen…but it doesn’t mean that person is bad. Like the person in the skating world I mentioned. They may just not be equipped to deal with what you’re going through. The correct answer is “let us work together to find someone who can help.” If that person says they don’t believe you or you’re lying, it’s helpful in a way because you can use that response to look at if you need that person.

There are so many good people in the world who will understand. It’s like breaking up with someone and you think you’ll never date again but there’s that little bit of hope to take the chance. And that person may be the springboard to help. It’s part of the journey, like an ER doctor might send you to your GP, who might send you to a cardiologist. It’s a pipeline to getting help. You owe it to yourself to see it through and take 2-3 stumbles to get to where you can feel good and live your best life.

Spilt: What is something you want people to know about you and who you are as a person?

Gracie: When it comes to mental health, I guess one thing I expected but didn’t…I went inpatient then did some outpatient work. I got all of the treatment and thought I’d be perfectly fixed now. But the work is continuous. It applies to alcoholics too and I have an eating disorder. It’s the same kind of concept that you’re going to meetings your whole life. Your brain requires maintenance just like your physical body does. There’s physical therapy after you’ve been hurt and that’s okay. But you can switch from fixing problems to preventative care. Talk to a therapist to maximize relationships and be successful out of the gate. The work changes but you need to continue to put work in.

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